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Author Topic: Kids  (Read 990 times)
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« on: February 05, 2008, 12:59:04 12:59 »

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old
son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the
birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said...
"Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks -

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"


A boy was riding along the street in a home-made cart pulled by a dog with a rope attached to the dog's genitals. On the side of the cart the boy had written "POLICE".
A passer-by watched with interest. When the cart stopped, he told the boy:"You know, your police car would go faster if you tied the rope around the dog's neck."
"I know," said the boy, "but I wouldn't get the cool siren."


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden he gets the urge to go to the bathroom.  "Teacher, Teacher... I gotta PEE, I gotta WHIZ real bad!"
"Now Johnny, responds the teacher. You know that's NOT the proper words to use in this situation! The proper word to use is urinate.
Now use the word urinate in a sentence, and I will let you use the restroom." Well, you know Little Johnny...always thinking of ways to get back at those who mess with him. So... his reply is... "Ok Teach... you're an eight." "But if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a Ten!"


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.  Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter?  Little Johnny responded, "I
have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


JOHNNY SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway!

Mum and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber café.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload,
it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.

Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little virus appeared.
« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2008, 04:54:50 04:54 »

The second joke was really funny.
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2008, 05:55:09 05:55 »

can you send some more jokes about love for flirtting my GF....?
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2008, 11:56:48 11:56 »

Kissing your Girlfriend

Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your girlfriend when she least expects it?' asked the older brother.
'Oh hell!' replied the younger sibling with the swollen eye. I thought you said 'where'.'
My girlfriend is out in the car

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
Girlfriend Report

Well it's been 29 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends. Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, we do not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new
or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

Your age Used or New
1 - 12 Years    (See note A)
13 - 16 Years    New
17 - 21 Years    Used, but not used up
22 - 35 Years    Used, heavily
36 - 60 Years    New, (See note B)
60+    (See note A)

A. Seek psychiatric help
B. Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be
old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the
other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems
worked out, but we advises that you avoid models which have much more than
average mileage (2.1 SO's / yr). Much greater than the average may be an
indication that the girlfriend was a professional.


Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride

When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual
begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if
dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or
I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap
you, Faith!"). we rate as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once
on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two
questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the
detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she
remain cool?

Ordering vs. On The Lot

Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and we
question the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.


Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed
at our specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding
the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product
according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.


Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each
category, variation is not statistically significant.

    Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the
    options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points
    of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you
    mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical
    hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

    Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
    contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an
    alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

    Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has
    most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size
    or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.
    Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

    Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
    Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and
    suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your
    long-term girlfriend needs.

    Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be
    caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.

    Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a
    girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful
    or unreliable, or have a dull finish.
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